the embers of bridges glowing behind us
by Mia-Zeklos
Summary: "When it was all over, Jace came back to haunt him in fragments."


**Notes: Yes, the title is in fact from Pink Floyd's _High Hopes_ , because this is apparently that kind of fic. Written by the prompt _things you said after it was over_ _._ Feedback is welcome!**

When it was all over, Jace came back to haunt him in fragments.

It wasn't much of a surprise. He'd always been a fan of prolonged torture in any and every sense of the word and now was no exception. It was even more difficult to handle now, though, because he wasn't _doing_ anything; now, just existing in the remotely same place as Alec while not being with him was too much to bear.

It was the little things – reaching for him in the morning only to realise that he wouldn't, _couldn't_ , be there moments later, almost greeting him upon entering their joint bathroom despite knowing that Jace had purposefully taken his shower half an hour earlier, expecting Jace's hushed _I love you_ along with the usual good night kiss (on the cheek, more often than not, unless they'd been on an especially dangerous mission, because they could never be too careful but they could never really hold back either, not when they'd been a hair's breadth away from losing each other). It was all muscle memory, Alec tried to convince himself, and eventually, he would _forget_.

He hadn't managed to prove himself right so far.

* * *

"You have to understand." Even to Alec's own ears, it sounded like a plea. "We both have futures to think of, Jace, we can't just risk it all for this."

"We always have before." Jace was shaking his head, confusion and betrayal mixing through their bond. "What changed now?"

"Nothing." It felt like the truth had started pouring out of Alec and he couldn't stop it even if he tried. "It was always bound to end. It's about time we accepted that."

* * *

It was the silence that frustrated him more than anything and what was even worse was that he knew that his parabatai felt the same way. Before, he and Jace had been able to tell each other everything. Whatever had gone wrong, they'd been able to share it with each other without hesitation and the change hurt more than Alec had ever imagined it would. Neither of them dared to ask what the matter was now; not when they both knew that the answer would be _you_.

It had been the right choice in the long run. They both had too much to lose and even if Jace didn't see that now, he would in the future. They would be discovered one day, one way or another, and then everything would go to hell and Alec would never forgive himself for the part he'd played in it.

But Jace hadn't been able to understand. If he had, he'd shown no desire to fix things between them to the way they had been before they'd started their ill-advised relationship. Alec had tried reaching out to him, but to no avail, and people were starting to _notice_. It would be the biggest irony of it all, he supposed, if their secret was to be discovered now just because they couldn't bring themselves to ignore something that should have never happened in the first place.

* * *

"Since when do we just give up?" Jace's hands moved up from where they'd been tangled with Alec's to grip his arms at his elbows and pull him closer. "We've risked everything already and now–"

"That's exactly my _point_. How long before everything falls apart? What would we do then? We can't live like mundanes, Jace, you know that."

Jace's eyes were glistening suspiciously when he looked up. "I don't _know_ anything. You clearly do, though, and I don't know why you agreed to this in the first place."

"Jace!" It was one thing for Jace to be angry at him and entirely different to dismiss his love and Alec knew that his parabatai was perfectly aware of that. They were each other's weak spots, after all, and he suspected that no matter what they did, this was the one thing that would never change.

* * *

"Here's that report you asked for." The document in question was pushed in Alec's field of vision. "Not that there's much to it. Everything went well."

"Anyone injured?"

"No."

"Jace." Before his parabatai could pull away, Alec gripped his hand and pulled his sleeve away, staring at the burnt skin there. He'd felt the pain during Jace's hunt, but he hadn't wanted to ask about it; especially not in front of everyone else in the war room. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I can heal myself." The stubborn glint in Jace's eyes was one Alec was painfully familiar with, although never under quite the same circumstances. He looked _vulnerable_ for all of an instant before he gritted his teeth and pulled his hand away before turning away and leaving the office as quickly as he'd came.

One day, they would be able to put this all behind them. The more Alec repeated that to himself, the less comforting it felt.

* * *

Just one more kiss. That was all this would be. Alec didn't feel the need to say it and he knew that Jace didn't need him to; they'd both made themselves perfectly clear already.

So he didn't really expect his parabatai to surrender into his embrace the way he did; hands braced against Alec's chest and clawing into his shirt, his touch greedy and his kiss biting. He pulled Alec down, drawing him closer until Alec felt as if they would melt into each other, cross the divide between their souls once and for all. They'd never let something as inconsequential as their bodies hold them back, after all.

Jace stepped back suddenly and it felt like being startled awake; like waking up from a dream and realising that nothing about it had made sense in the first place.

"Jace." One day he would say his parabatai's name and it wouldn't sound like a curse and a prayer all at once, Alec was sure. One day, they would forget how much it had hurt. Not for a long time, though; not anywhere in the near future. "I love you, but we can't keep doing this. We _shouldn't_."

"I know." He didn't, and the fact that Alec could still tell – could still feel that they were both lying to each other – made the desperation bubbling up inside him even more intense. "I love you too, Alec. Good night."

He didn't look back.


End file.
